growing up

Fiddles, Friends & Fellowship

| TeaKisses

My first day of social media freedom has been quite a good one. I woke up bright and early before my alarm, miraculously I did not feel as tired as I could have. I had a shower accompanied by cheery christmas tunes which I all to willingly sung along to. I’m grateful to have neighbours that enjoy hearing me sing. Then I got dressed and did my hair and makeup all before 9:00. I proceeded to make a breakfast of toast and eggs and then eat it in the company of my maker.

The devotional that I did today was focused on being discontented with what we have and where we should be seeing God more in our lives. This was a particularly good devotional for this day. I am very thankful for the faith supports that I have in my life to help guide me through my day to day life. One of the things that I thought about as I was dwelling on the devotional was that so often in my life I don’t realize I am unhappy I just out of instinct buy something new or sign up for some random thing that I think will add more depth to my life. This is in fact proving to be less than true, as my life is becoming more and more cluttered I am finding that I am becoming a more shallow person. I am struggling to have the deep and life-giving conversations that I long to have. Because of this want for more meaningful encounters with people I am beginning to find friends that I can relate to in ways other than our opinion on the opposite gender. I was once the type of person that loved to talk about boys…I mean LOVED…but as I have been getting older I have realized that yes, sometimes you can have good conversations about what kind of person you like and the relationships you have been in in the past. But the best conversations I have with people are about things in this world or about topics that have more to do with the way we live life than who we live it with. I am starting to see where I am discontent in my life and hopefully through these next couple weeks and through some serious soul searching I will be able to see where God is providing enough and where I should be spending my time and energy.

This afternoon I was gifted with part of my Christmas gift from my parents, my mother took me to go see the Natalie MacMaster concert with the Winnipeg Symphony Orchestra. This was quite the experience, I have seen her perform twice before this. Both of the previous concerts I went to were quite a bit more laid back and casual. It was amazing to see her accompanied by a huge symphony. A really funny thing about Natalie is that every time I hear her perform live I start crying as soon as she starts to play. I have no real reason for this, maybe it is because I am a little jealous of the performing life, or perhaps I just connect to the music. But for whatever reason, as soon as she starts playing I become a blubbering mess…good thing the concert hall is dark. She really is an amazing individual. She is 41 years old and is pregnant with her sixth child. She performs about 100 shows a year but still manages to homeschool her children. Her husband Donnell Leahy is also a fiddle player and tours with his family doing shows as well. I truly admire this woman.

Natalie and I after the concert. (she signed my CD!) 🙂

Then this evening I had another brand new experience, I went to an Anglican church called St. Benedict’s Table. I had never been to a liturgical church, it was very refreshing and a great way to get me into the true christmas spirit. It was great to sit there in the beautiful church and take in all of God’s glory. I love having the opportunity to sing and listen to scripture while just soaking it all in. I think I will try to go there more often next semester, I miss feeling a part of a church community.

Now to the part that you were all waiting for…but the shortest part of all…the tea of the day. Todays tea was English Breakfast, a classic black tea. It was a wonderful drink to have with my eggs and toast. 

I hope you have all had a wonderful third Sunday of advent. May the Lord bless you.

Living Intentionally During the Holiday Season

| TeaKisses

As I write this I am filled with the kind of nervousness that I get before I start a long journey. I am choosing to log out of all of my social media tonight and stay logged out until January 1st, 2014. Now I know that does not seem like a large amount of time to be doing something. but the way I’m thinking about it is that this is more of a test run of the kind of life I want to live. I am very excited with where this will take me and the things that I will learn about myself and the people around me.

Over the past couple of months I have done a lot of thinking about the way I am living my life and how I want to live differently. I have been talking a lot with one of my closest friends about this, one of the things that always comes up is how we as society are so incredibly discontent. This is something that I really relate to, when I’m doing something with friends or with other people I often feel the need to check my phone or message someone. Why can’t I just be happy with what I am doing and the people I am spending time with. With trying to rid myself of all of my social media I am hoping to be able to lengthen my attention span and pay more attention to what is going on around me and the people in my life. I decided to do this a couple of days ago and I gave myself until Sunday to tie up loose ends. So here I am on the eve of my adventure into a “social-media-free Narnia”. I hope that those of you who choose to join me in this adventure gain something from my experience.

As a part of this I am also trying to read more and so I have cracked open Victor Hugo’s Les Miserables. I am also trying to make God a more intentional part of my life and to aid in this I am working my way through a devotional book.

A lot of people are asking me if blogging counts as social media. To this I am responding that the only reason I am blogging is so that people know what is going on in my life and can follow along if they choose. I will not be responding to messages or comments on here, I also do not follow any other blogs so I am not using this as a secret form of social media.

Some people are also worried about finding out what kind of tea I got in my advent calendar. If you are that concerned I think that maybe you should re-think some priorities and start paying more attention to your own life instead of mine. But if you really must know what the tea of the day is, I will be posting a picture of the tea of the day with my blog post. I will try to post every evening before I go to bed.

If you do want to get a hold of me send me an email at beth.c.epp@gmail.com. I’d love to stay in contact with you that way, but once again I will only be responding to those in the evenings.

Thank you to everyone who is reading this blog, it makes me smile that someone out there cares about what I have to say. God bless you. I ask for your prayers so that I can continue to focus on God and what really matters in my life.

As I embark on this journey of living intentionally and learning how to pay attention I pray that I will be able to see God in new ways and that my relationships with those around me will flourish.

Short Story

| TeaKisses

I’ve been dabbling in writing some short stories, thought I might as well post one here and see what you all think.

Here it is:

Supper Is Ready

I have always liked the feeling of my hair when it is wet, cold and heavy resting on my back like a blanket.  When the water is trapped between each strand as if caught in a spider’s web.
“Clare” I hear Mama call me from the front porch of the cabin. “Get in here and help me bathe the twins.”
I clamber out of the lake, twist my hair into a bun at the nape of my neck and wrap myself in my towel.
“Coming Mama,” I call back and run up the sandy path to the cabin. I hop up the steps leaving wet, sand rimmed footprints on the worn wood. Going through the door I see is the twins completely naked chasing each other around the rocking chair in the living room.
Charlie and Terrance are the youngest of the bunch and at seven years old they are a handful. Next is Rose who is 10, Emily is 13, Edward is 16 and I’m 18. The dreaded 18. Turning 18 means that I need to seriously think about finding a husband and moving out of the house, it is the age where I become more of a burden than a blessing. Don’t get me wrong, my parents love me, but since father was diagnosed with cancer we have been a little tight on money.
 “Okay you two, its bath time” I grab the twins around their waists and pick them up.
“Clare” they squeak in unison and continue to giggle as we ascend the stairs.
Getting to the top of the stairs I drop them on the worn rug and shoo them into the bathroom.
“Thanks Clare, now could you go check on the bread in the oven? I think it should be done by now.” Mother chuckles and scoops up the boys and plops them in the bathtub.
“Yes Mama,” I respond and turn to go back down the stairs.
“Oh, and make sure all the kids are inside and washed up for dinner at eight.”
As I descend the stairs I think about what it would be like to be a mother. Would I be good at it? I like kids but I don’t know if I’d want to raise any of my own.
“Clare can we go jump in the lake before supper? “ Emily runs up to me, her rosy cheeks and curly brown hair are highlighted by the glint in her eyes. I see Rose peek around Emily, she is very shy and doesn’t like to ask for anything. Rose follows Emily around like a little duckling; feeding off of her boldness, they are inseparable.
“Go ahead, but make sure Mama doesn’t find out, and you better be back in here and washed up by eight.”
“Ummm” Emily scrunches her eyebrows trying to figure out how long that is from now, “What time is it now?”
“You have 45 minutes”
“Okay, thanks Clare!” Emily turns and runs out the front door.
Rose quickly follows behind, her smile beaming like the sun. I know I shouldn’t have my favourites but I do, I can’t help it. Rose is so sweet and innocent, I can’t help but feeling like she is too good for the world we live in.
I pull the bread out of the oven and set it on the counter, it is perfect like always. Mama has always been an incredible baker. Before we moved out to the lake, people from town would always ask Mama to make cakes for them. We moved here three years ago, right after Papa was diagnosed. The doctor said that more fresh air would be good for him. However, with the fresh air came the wildlife and with the wildlife came Papa’s passion for hunting. He was always out in the shed fixing a gun or cleaning a carcass. Edward was often with him, helping him do some of the things that were becoming more difficult. Papa has been getting worse and worse, he now needs help just to go up and down stairs. That never dampened his spirit though, he was as fiery as ever.
I hear the back door close and Edward’s tall frame and green eyes peek around the corner. His hair is matted down from wearing a hat all day and he has a smudge of grease across his left cheek.
“Supper almost ready?” he asks eying the fresh bread.
“Yeah but you better clean yourself up if you want any”
“Papa is almost done in the shop and he told me to come check out what the screaming was all about.”
“What screaming? I haven’t heard anything”
“We could hear someone screaming from the shop, where are the girls?”
My eyes grow wide, “They’re out by the lake…oh god” I run out of the house and from the porch I can see the silhouette of a little girl at the edge of the lake curled over a small mound on the ground.
“Oh no” I hear Edward gasp as we take off running down the beach towards them, his long legs carry him faster than mine carry me.
As we get closer I see Emily’s brown curly hair framing her tear stained face, she is curled around a towel-covered heap. I don’t want to know what or who is under the towel.
“No!” I scream, I don’t want to let myself think that far. Edward doesn’t let me stay in denial; he yanks the wet towel off of Rose’s limp wet body.
I fall down next to the two girls and hold Rose close to me, trying to feel her heartbeat with my hand, there is nothing. Edward kneels next to me, he has always been more level headed the I am.
“What happened?” his voice wavers.
“I don’t…I don’t …I don…” Emily tries to speak, but can’t get the words out.
“Emily, what happened?” Edward is firmer this time
“She fell off of the rope swing” Emily sniffles, “She didn’t come up and I was worried so I went looking for her but the water was dark and I didn’t know where she was.” Emily sobs into Rose’s body, “When I found her she was like this.”
Edward places his hand firmly on her back.
“It’s not your fault” He reassures her.
Our trans is broken when we hear Mama’s sweet voice call out;
“Supper is ready.”
Word Count: 1076
I hope you enjoyed it, It was a lot of fun to write. 

I’m a big girl now.

| TeaKisses

Well it is official, I now live in an apartment. Even writing that seems weird. I recently had my 21st birthday and due to this event I have found myself thinking about growing up. For as long as I can remember I have always wanted to be grown up. I was always the teacher when we played school, I was the mom when we played house and when we had family friends over I much preferred hanging out with the adults than with the other kids. I wanted to wear makeup sooner than I should have and I wanted to be the most mature…But the people that know me will know that I am not the most mature 21 year old out there and I have never really been mature for my age despite my yearnings for it. I have gone through different phases when it comes to growing up, and I’m sure that lots of people go through phases, but for me when I’m in these phases I always think that I’ve made it. Since my 21st birthday I have come to the harsh realization that I have not “made it” and I probably will never “make it” because no matter what age I am society and the people around me have standards and I will not ever meet all of those standards.

Another funny realization that 21 has brought for me is that 21 is the last birthday that people look forward to, after this people just complain about getting old. YAY! I am finally legal to consume alcohol and gamble all across the world…yippee…Considering I am neither a party person nor a gambler neither of these things excite me, so the only reason I looked forward to this birthday was that I am older. As much as I love getting older it is some pretty scary shit. The real world is WAY more complicated than it seemed when I was playing house 15 years ago. I have a major in my degree and by the will of God I will graduate next year but I don’t have a hot clue about what I’m going to do after that…maybe I’ll take my leftover student loans and travel a little…or maybe I’ll just get a dead beat job like the next guy. But if I’m lucky I will land a job that I love and I can earn some money to pay back that student loan I spent on traveling.

I know this isn’t much but it is a little bit of what I’ve been thinking about lately. I have no conclusion to these points, no beautiful quote to tie it all together. Until next time.

Goodbye.

| TeaKisses

Strong tea watered with rain and tears
Leaves me thinking about these past years
We were so in love
So hopeful
So naive
I let you make me think that I couldn’t leave

Without a question I said yes
Not thinking of how we would afford the dress
I cried every night
Alone
In my bed
There were so many things needing to be said

Not long after that my pain was too much
You wanted me close but I said not to touch
I couldn’t believe it
I’d settle
So low
But I knew from this place I could bloom, I could grow

I said my goodbyes in a tearful refrain
You succeeded quite well in hiding your pain
I opened the door
You kissed me
Goodbye
You left without a word or a tear in your eye

Now a year has passed since I said yes to you
The time went slowly but yet it still flew
You have moved on
From us
And so have I
Now this is my final goodbye

Goodbye.

One House, Two Worlds

| TeaKisses

He sits at the kitchen table, the sun shining through the window creates a halo around his head. He stirs his hot chocolate roughly and puts the spoon on the table with a “clink”. He has a frown on his face and his eyes look puffy from crying. He had a tantrum again, a regular occurrence in our household. A tantrum from two worlds colliding into a void of misunderstanding and pain. The first world is one that most of us are familiar with, one that includes sarcasm and hidden meaning. The world of body language and self-control. The second world is one that is hard to grasp and difficult to sympathize with, this is the world in which he lives. The world where everything is black and white, where if something needs to be said then it is said. If you say something then you stick to it, there is no changing the plan without lots of notice.

This second world is one that between 1 in 25 to 1 in 10,000 children are living in, depending on diagnosis criteria according to The Canadian Medical Association. This world is referred to as Asperger’s Syndrome, a form of high-functioning autism that can sometimes be difficult to diagnose. The Canadian Medical Association has also found out boys are diagnosed with Asperger’s almost twice as often as girls are. My brother is one of these boys.

Due to the fact that he has a hard time relating to his peers and takes things as black and white, he is easily offended and often holds on to things that hurt him for a very long time. He has never had many friends and would rather hang out with adults than children his own age. He is smart but has a hard time getting what is in his head down on paper. There is a barrier there that we are only beginning to realize. He doesn’t like to talk about having Asperger’s Syndrome or the fact that he doesn’t have friends and feels victimized on a regular basis. Like every other junior high child, he feels awkward and pushed to the edge. But unlike every junior higher it may never end.

When I was in junior high I was always being told that the awkwardness would get better. That I would grow into my body and become confident. I always waited for the day that I would wake up and be confident with an awesome body that I loved. That never happened, it is a process that we all go through. Unfortunately his process may be a little longer and quite a bit more difficult. He may never have a day where he doesn’t feel like everybody is out to get him, like no one understands what he is thinking because his brain works differently from ours. He may never be able to have that connection with someone where you feel like you know exactly what they are thinking. But that is something that he and the people who love him need to realize and get over. Him not thinking the same way as we do is not the end of the world, we just need to make adjustments.

He is 7 years my junior and I have always felt somewhat of a maternal instinct towards him. Maybe this is because I am the oldest sister, perhaps it is because I don’t always agree with my parent’s style of raising him. Whatever the reason, sometimes I feel like more of a mom than a sister. It is hard to be a sister when you are always having to watch out for what he just put on the stove or what experiment he is doing on the kitchen table.
When you meet him someday, he may be that person on the bus who gets angry for no apparent reason because you looked at him the wrong way. Or perhaps he will offer you a random fact about WWII when you are looking at the same pair of shoes in the mall. He may open the door for you and be the nicest guy you ever meet. I can pretty much guarantee that he will tell you how to spell almost anything with perfect accuracy and will do a math equation for you before you have time to take out your calculator.

He is a brilliant boy, who lives in a different world than I do. Sometimes these worlds collide into chaos. But when our two worlds intertwine and become one, I see the face of God. He isn’t perfect, but neither am I. He so obviously loves the people in his life. Surrounding the moments of pain and anger is a river of love and unconditional caring and appreciation. He is my angel and little brother. I am so proud to be the big sister of an Aspie.

The Hill

| TeaKisses

They walk towards the hill, her hand in his. They are walking slowly while enjoying each others’ company. She looks at him and giggles, he smiles back. He has a backpack on and she is carrying a package, clearly a gift for him. They are happy. You can tell by the way they move around each other, it is like the gentle ebb and flow of the ocean. A constant, even but unrehearsed dance. The sound of someone mowing the lawn in the distance mixes with the soft humid breeze, teasing the leaves of the poplar trees. They near the hill, she stops to look at him. He looks back at her, planting a soft kiss on her nose. She starts with a skip and leads him halfway up the hill where she spins around in circles, letting her soft skirt catch the wind and levitate up into a disk around her. He grabs her around the waist and pulls her close, from where I am sitting the sun glints in between their close silhouettes. He sits down on the ground and pats the vibrant green grass beside him. She sits. It is then that he opens his backpack and pulls out a black box. She smiles and from the box pulls out a pair of purple runners. The smile on her face tells that this is something she is pleased with, but not what she was expecting. She then hands him the package that she had been carrying. He tears off her neatly wrapped paper to reveal a knife. He grins and kisses her with vigor. He places the knife in his backpack and motions to the shoes, she stands up. She slips off her sandals and steps into the new pair of purple shoes. He gently does up the laces, glancing back up at her face ever so often. She smiles down at him and runs her fingers gently through his hair. Once he finishes with the laces, he looks up at her from on his knees, and with her gaze locked in his he slides his hand into his pocket and pulls out a box. She doesn’t notices right away. He holds up the box and says something. She lets out a scream of delight and kisses him urgently. He smiles and stands up. They embrace. He picks her up and spins her around still holding the box tightly in one hand. Her newly shoed feet land in the grass and he slips the ring onto her left hand. She stands there in awe, her face is un-readable and she seems happy but hesitant. He picks up his backpack and they begin to descend the hill hand in hand. They are walking faster this time, with more purpose than before. She turns around and looks back at the hill with a look of confusion. It is clear that she is not sure about the decision she has made. He puts his arm around her and she looks forward again, snapping back to reality.

Based on actual events.

Why.

| TeaKisses

I have started to come to the realization that being able to be honest with yourself and the people around you is a difficult but intensely rewarding thing. Over the past couple months I have grown not only as an individual but also as a friend, I have begun to see how amazing friendships can be when effort is put into them. There is one person in particular who has come to mean a great deal to me, we never used to get along very well but due to certain circumstances we have grown very close and she is now one of my closest and dearest friends. This poem is for her.

I have always been one for pretty words, and a couple years ago I tried my hand at poetry. I can’t say that I am very good and I may not be following all of the rules of poetry but for me poetry is what happens when my soul speaks with words rather than my brain. My brain likes to over analyze things but my soul knows exactly what it wants to say. So I present you with a poem that came together out of the blue. It captures some of the feelings that I have been experiencing over the past couple months. It seems a little more depressing that I had really intended but I think It gets a point across…so without further ado. Why.

Tears ooze a soothing balm
Over the fissured soul,
Bright eyes faded to grey
Clouded with misery,
Deep breaths come out
Cut. Up. In. Sobs.

A china tea cup in your palm
Gold leaf pealing at your touch,
Cracked from over use
And un-careful users,
The slightest movement causes a leak
Bitter tea trickles through your fingers.

Wind wanders lonely
Calling through forgotten panes,
Shut out of all that is love,
Voice of a vexed lover
Whimpers one word,
Why.

~ Bethany Epp ~

This blog is here so I can remind myself to be honest with not only the people around me but to make sure I’m not trying to convince the world of something I myself know to be false. Thank you for letting me be honest with you.

How not to get engaged.

| TeaKisses

*SIGH*

So much has been going in my life lately…I know I haven’t updated this in a very long time but in the time that I have been gone I got engaged! I know this should be exciting and it very much is…was. I was not expecting him to propose so soon and when he did I was dumb founded! I didn’t know what to say, of course I said yes, how could I not?!? There was a handsome man kneeling in front of me asking to spend the rest of his life with me, it seems like a dream come true and as much as I wanted it to be it wasn’t. From the moment I said yes to his proposal I was second guessing my decision, I didn’t know if I was ready to settle down and I had not yet made up my mind whether I wanted to do it with him. (Now I know this seems really ridiculous and everybody said that I shouldn’t have said yes, but I couldn’t say no). He did ask my parents the day that he proposed and they said a tentative yes but wanted to wait until we could have a discussion together, they were not expecting him to propose that day. After he asked me we got home and I was overjoyed, after all this was what I thought I wanted. My mother did not talk to me for about a day and a half and when she did she was in tears the whole time and my father although he tried to be supportive and happy for me, I could tell that he was not completely sold on the idea of me getting married so young to someone I had met on the Internet only a year and a half prior. We continued to plan our wedding and discuss a wedding date which ended up being the subject of most of our arguments, we fought a lot in the two and a half months that we were engaged. We fought about the table arrangements, what kind of food to serve, where to have our wedding. Needless to say we were not in a very healthy relationship. Almost as soon as we got engaged he went off to camp to work there for two months meaning I would only get to talk to him on weekends and only for a couple hours which would be a huge stretch from our routine of talking a couple hours a day. While he was away at camp I had a lot of time to do some thinking and really figure out whether this was something I really wanted. In the last two weeks of us being apart something hit me, I knew for a fact that I couldn’t marry him. It was like all of the questions that I had ever had in our whole relationship just came and slapped me in the face. I was a complete mess for those two weeks, crying myself to sleep every night not wanting to admit to anyone or myself that this was something that I couldn’t do. There was one day when I had just had enough of pretending to be okay, I told my mom that I was having second thoughts about everything and that I didn’t think I could continue my relationship with him. She asked me why and this was the tough part, how was I supposed to put into words all the feelings that I had been caging up inside my mind and my soul. How was I supposed to show my inmost feelings and lies. I told her that him and I had to many major differences and that I had so many bigger dreams for my life then feeling like I was settling for something I wasn’t completely happy with. I knew that love wasn’t a fairytale and that love is not like it is in the movies, but I also knew that love had to be better than what he and I had.  I  then continued to call him and I told him that we needed to take a break so I could collect myself, I needed time to figure out how I was going to break up with the man who thought I loved him. I kept putting it off which only made things worse. He came to my house to surprise me a couple days after I told him we needed a break. He took me out for supper and we hung out a little bit but when he left I knew what I had to do. There was no option anymore, I was no longer in love with him and I could no longer lead him on. I moved into residence at university the day after and proceeded to catch up with friends and get back into the groove of school. The worst part of this was that everybody still thought that we were engaged and I wasn’t going to tell them otherwise until I had broken up with him. He came to see me the day before my birthday which was about five days after I moved to school, he had baked me cookies and brought me ice cream. I felt so bad because never in our year and a half relationship had he ever baked me anything. I sat him down on my bed and read him the letter that I had written out earlier that day because I knew when it came to it I would have a hard time saying what I needed to if I did not writhe it all down. He took it well but I was a complete mess, he held me while I cried then we talked for a little while then he left and I have not seen him since.

Many people ask me how I let it get that far, I don’t really have a good answer to that question but I do know that I felt as though if I let this go I would never have anything like this again. I didn’t want to give up having a best friend and someone that loved me for potentially being single forever. In our relationship I felt very put down and like all my dreams, talents and ambitions were being forced down so I could fit the square mold that he was trying to put me into. I am more than a house wife who will wait around for her husband and answer to his every beck and call. I am a loving person and I know I will make a great wife someday…SOMEDAY! If it is God’s will for my life I will fall in love again, but for now I am single and I am free to make my dreams happen one day at a time.