boys

Goodbye.

| TeaKisses

Strong tea watered with rain and tears
Leaves me thinking about these past years
We were so in love
So hopeful
So naive
I let you make me think that I couldn’t leave

Without a question I said yes
Not thinking of how we would afford the dress
I cried every night
Alone
In my bed
There were so many things needing to be said

Not long after that my pain was too much
You wanted me close but I said not to touch
I couldn’t believe it
I’d settle
So low
But I knew from this place I could bloom, I could grow

I said my goodbyes in a tearful refrain
You succeeded quite well in hiding your pain
I opened the door
You kissed me
Goodbye
You left without a word or a tear in your eye

Now a year has passed since I said yes to you
The time went slowly but yet it still flew
You have moved on
From us
And so have I
Now this is my final goodbye

Goodbye.

The Hill

| TeaKisses

They walk towards the hill, her hand in his. They are walking slowly while enjoying each others’ company. She looks at him and giggles, he smiles back. He has a backpack on and she is carrying a package, clearly a gift for him. They are happy. You can tell by the way they move around each other, it is like the gentle ebb and flow of the ocean. A constant, even but unrehearsed dance. The sound of someone mowing the lawn in the distance mixes with the soft humid breeze, teasing the leaves of the poplar trees. They near the hill, she stops to look at him. He looks back at her, planting a soft kiss on her nose. She starts with a skip and leads him halfway up the hill where she spins around in circles, letting her soft skirt catch the wind and levitate up into a disk around her. He grabs her around the waist and pulls her close, from where I am sitting the sun glints in between their close silhouettes. He sits down on the ground and pats the vibrant green grass beside him. She sits. It is then that he opens his backpack and pulls out a black box. She smiles and from the box pulls out a pair of purple runners. The smile on her face tells that this is something she is pleased with, but not what she was expecting. She then hands him the package that she had been carrying. He tears off her neatly wrapped paper to reveal a knife. He grins and kisses her with vigor. He places the knife in his backpack and motions to the shoes, she stands up. She slips off her sandals and steps into the new pair of purple shoes. He gently does up the laces, glancing back up at her face ever so often. She smiles down at him and runs her fingers gently through his hair. Once he finishes with the laces, he looks up at her from on his knees, and with her gaze locked in his he slides his hand into his pocket and pulls out a box. She doesn’t notices right away. He holds up the box and says something. She lets out a scream of delight and kisses him urgently. He smiles and stands up. They embrace. He picks her up and spins her around still holding the box tightly in one hand. Her newly shoed feet land in the grass and he slips the ring onto her left hand. She stands there in awe, her face is un-readable and she seems happy but hesitant. He picks up his backpack and they begin to descend the hill hand in hand. They are walking faster this time, with more purpose than before. She turns around and looks back at the hill with a look of confusion. It is clear that she is not sure about the decision she has made. He puts his arm around her and she looks forward again, snapping back to reality.

Based on actual events.

Make a move?

| TeaKisses

Okay girls, this one is for you.

You know the pressure that is always being put on us to act a certain way so guys will like us? We are encouraged to be light hearted and whimsical with not a care in the world but then at the same time play some sort of game to draw the guys in. I’m sure you have all heard of this illusive game; it is the one where the girl plays hard to get, not replying to the guys’ text messages or pretending to ignore him so he will try harder to get his attention. Well what if you aren’t that kind of girl…what if you want to go for it? Then go for it!

I’m always the one that is over thinking and reading into what the guy I like is saying. It is a pain in the arse and can completely distract you from everything else in life, but then when I am completely infatuated I am being told by society to play hard to get when everything inside my body is screaming at me to tell him, get it over with because otherwise I will be in agony until something defines the relationship. I feel as though I am not the first one to feel this way and I don’t think by an means that I will be the last.

The main issue I have with this though is that as girls we are expected to wait around and play coy so that the guy we like will come and catch us. It feels like some sort of cat and mouse game where the only real point for the mouse is to entertain the cat. What if I want to be the one to be bold and move the relationship on? I’m not saying I am against guys being chivalrous or taking the lead. (That is a topic for a different post) I am saying, however that I think as girls we shouldn’t feel trapped by this stigma of the “game”. Who cares about what society says and what your friends are encouraging you to do. If you want to tell the guy that you like that you like him, when then by all means go ahead. Guys also like girls are straight forward, so don’t try to do things that feel wrong to you.

In all of the “true beauty” campaigns out there we are told to not let other people or society decide what we do with our hair, our skin, our clothes, our music…etcetera. If we are taking a stance on all of these topics why are we letting society dictate our actions and the things we do (Within reason of course…please don’t break the law). I would encourage you to think about what you are doing in all of your relationships, be those friendships or romantic relationships. Don’t let people tell you what to do, that is only going to give everybody the wrong impression and turn you into something you don’t want to be. Because once you convince everyone else that you are something you’re not it is easy to get caught up in that lie yourself.

All the things.

| TeaKisses

As much as I would like to tell everybody in my life that I am completely over my past relationship and that I am fully ready and capable to move on…I don’t think that is completely true. My ex-fiancee is on his second “relationship” since we broke up and it will be 5 months in February. I am not quite sure how to read into this and whether to read into it at all. We have not talked since christmas and I know that is a good thing considering the last time we talked he practically tore me to bits. What confuses me though is how someone can be in a relationship and say that they are completely past their previous relationship when their previous relationship was so serious. He was prepared to marry me this last christmas and spend the rest of his life with me. I am the one who did the breaking up but that does not mean that I had it easy, there have been days when I have regretted my decision and wished that we were back together. I know it is best that we never got back together, but I miss having that companionship, that constant friendship.

I am now at a place where I feel happy that he could move on and is in a good relationship with someone else but I also know that I am not in that place. I still think about him often and I long for our friendship too much to get another man involved romantically in my life. Not to mention the school work and other things I have going on in my life. A relationship is not where I want to be right now.

I am slowly starting to find out that being single is fun and can be a really uplifting and growing experience after not being single for almost two years. As a teenager I longed for guys to notice me even just as a friend but it never really happened, I was always craving that relationship with a male. Only once I graduated from high school and gained a little perspective was I able to be friends with guys but under those friendships were always the awkward undertone of me being infatuated and them being uninformed. I was never fully able to be friends with a guy and not have any hint of romantic desire driving my friendship with them.

This is the moment that I discovered online dating, not a bad thing but definitely not a good thing…just a thing that happened. The first guy that I dated was four years older than me and the relationship only lasted approximately 3 weeks. I was much too clingy and over bearing, I wanted our relationship to move quickly because I felt as though I had missed out on so much relationship time that my friends had gotten. Needless to say, he was not a fan of a young clingy girlfriend so we broke up. I am glad that didn’t last long, he had much different morals that I did and it was not going to be a good situation if we kept dating. The second guy I met and dated online was the one who ended up being my fiancee and best friend. We dated for five months and then broke up because our relationship was getting too serious too fast. (see a theme?) We got back together nine months later and dated till June when we got engaged and then I broke things off in September. I do not have a fantastic record for relationships and I’m really good at pushing things and making things go faster than I really want them to.

I am the worst at being patient and need some help. But now after being single for almost five months I’m good with where I am, I have a long way to go yet before I am ready to be in a relationship but I’m on a journey. After all, the journey is what makes you who you are. This was fairly heavy and I’m not sure who will all read this but if I know you, just take this with a grain of salt and know that I am putting myself on the limb here and sharing with you personal details. If I do not know you, I hope you can take from my story something that makes you think. If you are a potential boyfriend, please know that you should talk to me and really get to know me before you judge me.

You always remember your firsts.

| TeaKisses

You know when you listen to a song for the first time and you think to yourself “Hmmm, thats an interesting song”. Then you hear it again, it may be hours, days, weeks, months later but you always remember what you were doing when you heard it for the first time; or if you don’t remember what exactly you were doing at least you remember a general feeling, person or even place. We always remember our firsts.

A number of years ago I went to my cousin’s high school performance of Les Miserables; it was an amazing show and I cried because at the time I could not fully comprehend that it was his character that died and not him. Anyway. There was a smell, in the theatre, that I will always remember. It smelled old and musty mixed with the smell of a fog machine; I had never smelled a fog machine before and so I just assumed that this is what history smells like. Now whenever I am in the same space as a fog machine I feel depressed and all I can think about is the French revolution. Strange right?

When ever there are very emotional points in my life I tend to ‘pick’ a song and stick to it; listening to it over and over again. Applying it to that situation and the people involved. I have often done this for the various relationships in my life so sometimes one of those songs will come on the radio and either I will turn it up or turn it off. Depending on the outcome of the relationship I get good / bad feelings.

Now the inevitable. Your first kiss. Many peoples’ ideas of first kisses are romantic and perfect. Perfect guy, perfect scene, perfect music…everything; but I think that if people actually asked around for stories of first kisses the outcome would be very different. I always imagined my first kiss to be everything I described, needless to say…it wasn’t any of those things. Yes, I do often wish I had not kissed him; but I would be a totally different person and I have grown a lot because of the mistakes I made. The only reason he kissed me was because I had never been kissed; because I was willing to settle. Never Settle; especially on a ‘first’.

No matter what happens; whether you meet someone, smell something, or listen to something. You always, always remember your firsts.

grow up already.

| TeaKisses

Why is it that we grow up so fast. We are sneaking cookies from the cookie jar one moment and then sneaking around with our boyfriends the next; what happened to us?

When we are younger all we want is to be grown up. I remember walking around my elementary school and seeing the Jr. High students and thinking they had it all together and they were so grown up, then once I made it there I didn’t feel any different, I felt just as immature as I had in grade three. This still happens now; I always thought university students knew exactly what they wanted to do with their lives and how they were going to get there. I feel as though I fail, like I’m not doing something right, like I missed a step because I don’t feel like I have everything put together. I’m left in a lurch and I don’t like it. I don’t like feeling as though I am constantly lost and looking for my life. If only I would get a letter in the mail telling me what to do.

I’m so caught up in all this university living that I feel like I don’t have a chance to find out who I am amongst all my assignments and choirs. The internet doesn’t help much either, but I feel like I am drifting away from what I have been trying to be. I want to be a mature adult that makes mature adult decisions but I can’t seem to do that when I am spending so much time pretending to be mature.